Lyrics:

Well, I guess it was back in sixty-three
When eating my cooking got the better of me
So asked this little girl I was going with to be my wife
Well, she said she would, so, I said, 'I do'
But I'd have said I wouldn't If I'd of just knew
How sayin' 'I do' would gonna screw up all of my life

Well, the first few years weren't all that bad
I'll never forget the good times we had
'Cause I'm reminded every month when I send her the child support
Well, it wasn't too long 'til the lust all died
And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch

Well, I tried to get in, she changed the locks
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox that said
'Goodbye, Turkey, my attorney will be in touch'
So, I decided right then and there
I was gonna do what's right, give her fair share
But, brother, I didn't know her share was gonna be that much

She got the gold mine, I got the shaft
They split it right down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, it all sounds sort of funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft

Now, listen, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Why, they gave her the color television set
Then they give her the house, the kids and both of the cars
See, then they start talking about child support
Alimony, and the cost of the court
Didn't take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was

I'm telling you they have made a mistake
'Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
Besides, everything I ever had worth taking they've already took
While she's living like a Queen on alimony
I'm working two shifts, eatin' balogna
Askin' myself, 'Why didn't you just learn how to cook?'

They gave her the gold mine, they give me the shaft
They say they're splittin' it all down the middle
But she got the better half
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft

Yeah, she got the gold mine, I got the shaft
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, I guess, it all sounds sort of funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft

You ain't kiddin', I got the shaft
Well, I don't have to worry about toting a billfold no more
I'll let my wife tote it
I'm gonna be carryin' food stamps, you get it, Judge?
I'm gonna be indebted
That's not funny, huh?
Contempt of court? - what do you mean