Lyrics:

No I never was in vietnam
I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out from under me

I never painted a house or a tree
I never did become an exotic dancer or a customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck
Or gave mouth to mouth resusitation to a horsefly

In a way I suppose you could say my experience is quite limited
For example,
I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a broom closet while singing Waltzing Matilda
I never sawed a television in half
Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar

I never played a decent game of jacks

I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate who kept picking his
Teeth with a bowie knife to distract me while his parrot looked over my
Shoulder and told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code involving
Vomiting, chirping and sea shanties

I never bought a lamp
Wait I did buy a lamp once
But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin profolactic
I never bought lima beans or lime pudding
I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album
I never bought anything beginning with the letter 'L'
Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce ... and the lamp
I never layed down for a nap and found the Everly brothers in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage

I'm sorry I stole the radio
I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the President
I did it, it was my fault
I farted in the church
I'm sorry I did many, many bad things
And I am so sorry