Lyrics:

Secretary (Lily Tomlin):
(Spoken)
Oh, Mr. Frog, excuse me. I believe there's a swine on the line for you.

Kermit the Frog:
(Spoken)
Oh, for me?

Secretary:
(Spoken)
You can use the green courtesy phone.

Kermit:
(Spoken)
Oh, thanks. Uh, hello?

Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie?

Kermit:
(Spoken)
Piggy!

Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie, I think we need to talk about our relationship.

Kermit:
(Spoken)
Aw, Piggy, not now. I don't really feel--

Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie, please?

(Sung)
I can't stop the way I feel
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Piggy, I understand. It's just that right now--
Miss Piggy:
Come my frog, what's the deal?
(Spoken)
My clock is ticking.
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Sheesh.
Miss Piggy:
Tell me what you've got in mind
'Cause this pig's running out of time
Treat me right, don't make me cry
Kermit:
(spoken)
Oh, Piggy...
Miss Piggy:
Or I promise, this pig will fly

Kermit:
She drives me crazy
Miss Piggy:
Uh, oh.
Kermit:
Like no one else
Miss Piggy:
Uh, oh.
Kermit:
She drives me crazy, and I can't help myself

Miss Piggy
(Spoken)
Kermie?
Kermit:
(Spoken)
I'm listening, Piggy.
Miss Piggy
I can't get any rest
Kermit:
(Spoken)
I'm sorry, Piggy.
Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
You know why?
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Why?
Miss Piggy:
'Cause people say, I'm obsessed
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Well, now that you mention it, I--
Miss Piggy
Oh, verything they say is true
Cause I can't get enough of vous
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Oh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Just say, I do, then it's agreed
I'll be the only pig you'll ever need. Kermie!

Kermit:
She drives me crazy
Miss Piggy:
Uh, oh
Kermit:
Like no one else
Miss Piggy:
Uh, oh
Kermit:
She drives me crazy, and I can't help myself

Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Oh, Kermie!
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Piggy!
Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie? Kermie, will you stop playing that guitar? Kermie, we have to talk. Kermie!
(Sung)
You won't make it without me
Kermit:
Piggy, we've been over and over this.
That is moi's guarantee.
Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie!
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Piggy!
Miss Piggy
You drive me crazy
Kermit:
Uh, oh.
Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
You do!
(Sung)
like no one else
Kermit:
Oh, no.
Miss Piggy:
You drive me crazy, and I can't help myself
(Spoken)
I'm going bazongas here, Kermie.
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Piggy, look I'm trying to understand.
Miss Piggy:
You drive me crazy like no one else
(Spoken)
I'm going fruitcake!
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Sheesh!
Miss Piggy:
You drive me crazy, and I can't help myself

Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Oh, I can't eat, I can't sleep, look, I got to take a pee.
Kermit
(Spoken)
But- but - but, Piggy.
Miss Piggy:
(Spoken)
Kermie!
(Sung)
You drive me crazy
Kermit
(Spoken)
Piggy, listen. You--
Miss Piggy
(Spoken)
Kermie!
(Sung)
Like no one else
(Spoken)
Kermie, I'm only a pig. Please!
Kermit:
And I'm only a frog, and you're driving me crazy
Miss Piggy:
You drive me--
(Spoken)
Oh, I drive you crazy!
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Well, sometimes, a little.
Miss Piggy
(Spoken)
Oh, let me tell you about crazy. Sit down and I'll talk to you about crazy.
Kermit:
(Spoken)
But, no, Piggy, what I mean is--
Miss Piggy
(Spoken)
You want to hear about crazy? I'll tell you about crazy.
Kermit:
(Spoken)
Don't hang up, Piggy! Don't hang up, Piggy! Hello? Oh, sheesh!