Lyrics:

Spoken:
A lot of people ask me, stupid fuckin' questions.
A lot of people think that, what I say on record, or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life, or that I believe in it.
Or if I say that, I wanna kill somebody that, I'm actually gonna do it, or that I believe in it.
Well shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you, you know why?

'Cause I'm a criminal
Criminal, you goddamn right
I'm a criminal
Yeah I'm a criminal

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or les
Or a homosex-, hermaph- or a trans-a-ves
Pants or dress, 'Hate fags?', the answer's yes

Homophobic, nah you're just hetero-phobic
Starin' at my jeans, watchin' my genitals bulgin' (Ooh!)
That's my motherfuckin' balls, you better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em

Hey it's me Versace, whoops somebody shot me
And I was just checkin' the mail, get it, checkin' the 'male' (clicks tongue twice)
How many records you expectin' to sell
After your second LP sends you directly to jail

Come on relax guy, I like gay men
Right Ken, give me an amen (AAA-men!)
Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons

Oh, and please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital
Preacher preacher, fifth grade teacher
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither

You can't teach me a goddamn thing
'Cause, I watch TV and Comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from toppin' these charts

And you can't stop me from droppin' each March
With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards (Duh)
And to think, it's just little ole me
Mr. Don't-Give-A-Fuck, still won't leave

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

My mother did drugs, hard liquor cigarettes and speed
The baby came out, disfigured ligaments indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby 'cause that baby was me

I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed
But how the fuck you s'posed to grow up when you weren't raised
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger

I drink malt liquor to fuck you up quicker
Than you'd wanna fuck me up for sayin' the word
My morals went *thhbbpp* when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk

Off of his own employee, now don't ignore me you won't avoid me
You can't miss me, I'm white blonde-haired and my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die in plane crashes
And laughs as long as it ain't happen to him

Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Em-
-inem and Kim combined, *kch* the maniac's in
In place of the doc, because Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place

(Mm-mm-mmm!) Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you Dre, you should've kept that thing put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh
I'm a criminal

Spoken by Eminem, Dr. Dre, (Teller)
Aight look... Uh huh?
Just go up in that motherfucker, get the motherfuckin' money and get the fuck up outta there. Aight.
I'll be right here waitin' on you. Aight.
Yo, Em! What?! Don't kill nobody this time! Aright!
God damn, this motherfucker gets on my fuckin' nerves.
*Whistling* (Hi!) How you doin'?
(How can I help you?) Yeah I need to make a withdrawal.
(Okay.) Put the fuckin' money in the bag bitch and I won't kill you!
(What? Oh my god, don't kill me!) I'm not gonna kill you bitch, quit lookin' around.
(Don't kill me, I have two kids at home, don't kill me.) I said I'm not gonna fuckin' kill you, hurry the fuck up!
*BOOM* Thank you!

Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it, I'll hide for five minutes

Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Then fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die bitches, bastards brats pets
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet

If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck *Clucking*
You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut

Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'ma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme, these people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

I am a criminal