Lyrics:

(Comical noise)
Can you hear it? That noise! It's been driving me potty all day.

I woke up this morning in my usual lively way
Peeped out from the bedclothes at another dreary day
Feeling full of fun, I threw the alarm clock at the cat
Turned over and went back to sleep and thought that that was that

(Comical noise)
But it wasn't, it was that!

I yawned and stretched and scratched a bit, then tumbled out of bed
But still I felt this rhythm sort of pounding in my head
I thought, well, this is funny, but it can't go on all day
I think I'll just ignore it, then it's bound to go away

(Comical noise)
Have you ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right?

I started out to work and met a postman on his round
I said, 'Good morning postman, can you hear that funny sound?'
He listened and he said, 'D'you mean that (Comical noise)'
I said, 'That's right'. he said, 'That's funny, I can't hear a thing'

(Comical noise)
Have you ever tried to push a postman through a letterbox? It's not easy.

I went up to a policeman, I said, 'Can you hear that noise?'
He looked at me as if I was a gang o' Teddy boys
I said, 'You should arrest it for disturbing people's peace'
He said, 'All right, my lad, move on before I call the police!'

(Comical noise)
Have you ever tried to push a policeman through a letterbox?
It's all right till you get up to his boots.

I went to see a wise man who said, 'Leave it all to me!
I'll analyse the noise for only twice my normal fee'
He came back three days later, and said, 'It's tricky to explain
In fact, I don't know what it is, but there it goes again'

(Comical noise)
Have you ever tried to push a wise man through twice his normal fee?
It's all right until you get up to his letterbox.
No, that can't be right.

I went down to the studios to record my latest hit
A sentimental ballad that I thought was full of potential
But every time I try to sing this very lovely song
This funny noise keeps startin' up and makes me go all wrong

(Comical noise)
But I'm not gonna be beaten by it
I'm gonna record this hit ballad if it kills me
'Cause it's a very pretty tune
(Comical noise)
What kind of fool am I, who never...
Give me an A, will you, Ian? (plays piano note) Lovely...
What kind of fool am I, who never fell in (plays note twice more)
Who never fell in love
(Comical noise)
Will you please try and stop that noise
Will somebody please try and stop that noise
I can't stand the noise
Stop the World! Stop the ......... FADE